Growing Up

Yesterday was a dreadful fight. Or it would have been, if we fought. We disagree, and we have differing opinions, but we tend to voice our opinions, try to convince, and then just move on, solution or no. Sometimes that's really frustrating, as in the case of yesterday's "fight." Because we're so far apart, a good deal of the intimacy that we share comes from weeks and months of lead up via text. Thinking about him yesterday, I messaged him with some of the salacious things pervasive in my thoughts. In the last couple of weeks, though, he's been moodier than normal, and less accepting of the things I have to say. In his defense, I'm perhaps more sensitive because of the level my feelings have reached of late. He doesn't respond to what I'm saying in any way other than to say that he's not interested in that, because it makes him realize his loneliness. There's no telling when we'll be together next (it could be even as late as August), and that thought is sobering for him. Rather than talk about it, as I like to do with problems, he likes to think quietly about them until he solves them. I get that we handle things differently--that's fine. Where the problem lies for me is that him withdrawing makes me feel unloved and unwanted. I know this is silly; we talk all day every day. He calls first thing every morning, and last thing every night, he emails me when at work, because waiting until we can text again is "just too long to wait." 

Most days, most things are wonderful, but I'm looking for when we can have more. When  he can admit freely (and often, as  he's done it before, but infrequently, and usually with liquid courage) that he loves me, when we can come home to each other at night, and when we get to experiences the daily joys and frustrations together. His moodiness makes me fear that it's never coming, but his devotion makes me believe its there. 
 

I think my heart hurts. Maybe. Or I've had too much to drink, too many days in a row. Either way, I'm an idiot. This man, this Heath, is too complicated for me to understand. For now, I'll skip that, and leave it with this: “To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.” -Madonna

 I'm mostly ready to just get back to these sweet things.

The stars at night

Today has been gray. Gloomier than I've seen in a bit. I'm in a bit of a melancholy state, partly because of the state I'm in. I traveled to MD yesterday for work. Yesterday, I was elated, alternated with dejected. Getting off the plane put me through the hallway I was in when I called Clint in August to tell him I was here. I couldn't wait to see him. I drove down the highway from the airport, and the rain reminded me of the day we flew back from Indiana at Christmas. Clay was only 4 months old, I was massive, prickly, and hot. I drove past the exit to route 1, the road we took home every night, to the Y on the weekends, to explore the neighborhoods on those hot summer nights. Sadness crept in. I soldiered through--I was going to meet my Heath! The rain kept pouring down, we went to my hotel. The check-in process was unbearably long. I wanted him right there in that lobby. Smoking while we wait, the hotel is one of those built in the 50s, but maintained like a great martini bar. I feel like I took giant leaps back in time, maybe to a happier place. Check-in finally accomplished, we almost made it in the door. Like scenes from the movies, where the door slams open, a picture falls off the wall, and you grab for each other because you just can't get enough. I poured my heart into every second, hoping that loving this time around wouldn't hurt so badly. At the end of the day, all you have is hope, right?
Lather, rinse, and repeat, the bottle said. Dinner later in this hotel restaurant, with a fabulous piano there. Cozy and comfortable, fun and so unlike everything in my past. So...real? I feel like I'm finally close to doing something the right way. As BFF calls it, I'm finally feeling respected. Not wanted or needed, like a toy or a mother, but as an equal, as a partner, treated like a woman.
His work hours came, and I went to bed alone, but not before analyzing the moves, the words, the feelings. My results? I still don't know. I'm looking for that pot of gold. Maybe this is the leprechaun that leads me there. Perhaps I'll find it on my own.
I woke to him returning, and through sleep, I knew I only wanted him near me, naked, holding me closer. I've never cuddled, I've never wanted to, but now I can't get enough. I want to say I don't know how I feel, but the truth is I do, and I'm scared of it. I'm terrified, actually. Examining my feelings is more than I can handle right now. I'll put them in a box until tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'll figure it out. Today? My lover calls.

Just, wow.

Ok, it's time to update. I've been behind. I've reconsidered my Palace Chase application. This has been primarily based on the fact that Clint has conceded his fight for full custody. Under our current agreement, which will hopefully be finalized next week, the kids will live with me during the school year, and with him in the summer. As such, I don't need to move immediately back to Maryland, but it would be nice.

Heath lives in MD, and I'd love to be near him regularly, but I can't move there right now. His response? He's trying to move here. He's actually pretty incredible. I had to take a trip up there in March for a week, and we spent a lot of it (ok, most of it) together. I really, really like him. I feel a bit foolish, because I just ended a long term relationship, though to be fair, I've been learning more and more that it was actually over for a long time.

This is going to sound absolutely absurd, but I'm certain that if we live near each other (and maybe if we don't), and I keep dating him, he's absolutely going to ask me to marry him. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. Ok, honestly, I'm elated. I adore him, and he wants me to actually be me. When he gets around to asking, I'm certain as to how I'll answer. (OMG, wow, I just admitted that).

At any rate, life is good. I'm a month from college graduation, I've got two beautiful boys that I love, and who love me as sweetly as possible, I'm running and healthy, and I have a wonderful man in my life. The road is endless... :)

Progress

Today, I have more good days than bad days. We've officially filed for divorce, and we've found we agree on most things except with whom the children should be. Hopefully we'll be able to settle something when he comes down next weekend. It promises to be an event--he's flying in on our sixth anniversary, which is a bit icky to me. But the 19th is Will's birthday, so he'll be here for that, which I think is a positive thing. We'll see how it goes. Trying for friendly.

In other news, I've applied to go AF reserves. It would let me move back to MD and have a contractor job, making it easier for Clint and I to share time with the boys, me to have a better support system, and letting me work to figure out how to get my DPT. (That's doctorate in physical therapy, for those of you who don't habla. :)) I'm excited about changes in my life. If I don't get approved for reserves, and have to stay active duty, then I'll be in TX a while longer. That's ok too, but I'd like to get back to some stability.

Kind of strangely, I've spent the last month reconnecting with someone I met years ago (we'll call him Heath). I'm grateful for the chance to get to know Heath, and excited about the friendship that we're developing. I've also had a really good time learning who my first ever best friend has become. After I left for the military and got married and all, we spoke only sporadically. She's been a HUGE support for me in this divorce, and it turns out that while we were taking different paths, we ended up being so similar still, and we're still best friends after all these years!

More to come...

I'd call it a building year.

I'm currently pursuing something new. I'm not sure if it'll work out, or if I'll be accepted to the program that lets me get there, but I'm going to give it a shot. If it works, life could get much easier and better. I don't want to be in Texas long term. I like a lot of the people I've met here, but I don't belong here for much longer. God brought me to Texas to bring me back to Him. He brought me here for the family that I needed in my church when my world crumbled around me.
It's crumbled, it's hard, and it's not over. BUT, it's time for me to rebuild. I like me, I love my boys. There's no reason for us to be unhappy. We can build our happiness, and I'm out looking for the ways to make it.

Just you wait, we've got this!

Changes...

So, here we are, 2012. If you'd asked me two months ago, I'd have sworn there was no way I'd start this year alone, but here I am. It's still a shock, and I'm having a hard time processing the idea that he's never coming back. Every now and then, it makes me wonder, because if he can hate me so much now, how did he ever really love me to begin?

I guess I'll figure all that out. One day. In the meantime, I'm doing ok. I'm starting my final semester of college, I've applied for graduation, I'm looking for new places for the boys and I to live, and I'm teaching classes at the Y regularly. The other awesome part is that there is the opportunity to teach other classes soon, and perhaps get on at some other gyms. I'm excited to put my life back together, at least as much as I can, and to take steps forward. It's not what I imagined for me, or my children, and it's still not what I wanted, but I'll get there.

One day at a time...right guys?

Not all who wander are lost...

And thus begins my wandering. I've always had a wanderlust, so I married a man who matched it. When I was in college, my roomie announced that I "live fast." I asked her to explain, and she did, but I never really understood it. I'm getting around to it now. I think she was right. I went to college early. Not because of any particular intelligence, or even any special determination, but because I didn't want to live at home anymore. I had a rough relationship with my father, and needed some freedom. I found it at 16, far too young to be where I was. I was a freshman in college, living in the dorms, with virtually unlimited possibilities. What did I do? What any traveler who has yet to hone their skill would do. I squandered countless opportunities. I like to say that I used those years to grow up, probably faster than my peers, because I had to. I couldn't be the child among the 20-somethings. I had to fit in, so I learned. Yes, I lived fast. Did I grow up? Maybe. Some. I definitely experienced things that the average 16 year old hasn't seen at that age. I spent 3 years in college, two of them abandoned by my father, and desperately craving the love of any man who was hard to please. Anyone who might be actually happy with me as I was should be quickly discarded, to be traded for a man who would never love me the way I needed. If I could just make one of them happy, maybe I'd be worth something.

Strangely, that never worked out. I dropped out of college because I was working three jobs, and basically just didn't give enough of a damn about school to pursue it the way it required. It didn't help that I had no idea where I was going. I wanted to do all of it, but didn't feel like I was qualified for any of it. I wasn't smart enough for pre-med, not angry enough for pre-law, not patient enough to teach, and no where near Chinese enough for engineering. I didn't fit anywhere...except the bar. I loved working at the bars, but realized that if I stayed, I'd never leave, and I'd regret it one day. I packed up and left for the AF. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I don't love it everyday, and it may not be forever, but it was what I needed when I picked it. Maybe Clint was the same. Maybe he was a stop along my journey. I needed him when he picked me (I did NOT pick him). Maybe I don't need him anymore. I'm learning that I'm special. I'm learning that I'm smart, educated, hopefully kind, and not the ugliest thing around. One day I'll believe the things I'm learning now. Until then, may the road rise up to meet me.

What a Christmas

So, my husband? He left me. And the kids. Just like that. Walked out two weeks ago, like a complete fuck. Went back to Maryland. I'm still so mad that I can barely compose complete sentences. What's sad about it? He left me for another woman. She's 30, and ugly, and a lot pathetic. One of the least independent women I've ever seen, which is why her first husband walked out on her, too. Best part? She's military, too. For those of you who are unaware, adultery is ILLEGAL in the military, so she's got a no contact order for my husband. Yeah, my husband who moved back to Maryland for her can't see her, talk to her, email her, whatever. Do you think they're following that? I don't. Sadly, I can't prove it right now. I'll figure out a way though. She could lose her job, get jail time, etc for breaking the no contact order. And for those of you who think that I should be equally as mad at him? I am, no question, but he's the father of my children, and the love of my life, so I'm a little more willing to forgive him than her. Plus, she begged him, FUCKING BEGGED him, to leave his children for Christmas, because she wanted to be with him for the holiday. What kind of a selfish bitch does that? Two little boys, alone at Christmas, because some ugly slut needed my husband?

I don't know what happens next. He wants a divorce. I don't. And I don't want to make it easy for him--after all, does he deserve it? I do know that I have my boys, and I will keep my boys, because I'm the one who will take care of them. I do know that we had a good Christmas, and that I have good friends. I do know that I'll get my degree next semester, and still have my job, and that I'll be just fine. I just need to remember those things. I've got this, right?

Epitome of...something, I'm sure of it!

Exciting news! Clay has perfect vision! I know, that may not be as exciting to those of you without children, and even those of you with kids already, you probably don't think that's as awesome as I do. BUT, the fact is, Clint and I are mostly blind. Turns out, that mess is hereditary! If I wasn't there when Clay was born, and he wasn't identical to Clint, I'd say he wasn't ours.

In other news, Will didn't feel great today, and I didn't either. We've been awake a lot of the last two nights, either stressing PT tests or dealing with coughing and mucous. (Oh the joys of mommy-dom)! So we stayed home today, so Will could sleep, and I could prevent myself from inevitably strangling a co-worker.

We picked up Clay after school and ate Chik-fil-a. (Don't judge me--I'm doing the best I can. Kids can eat fast food every now and then). Now I'm staring at the kids, because we haven't been home from all our activities this early in ages. I don't even know what to do with them. I know I have homework to do, but I don't wanna. I know they've got homework to do, but again, I don't wanna. Blerg.

The awesome thing is that our squadron holiday party is coming up, and it's formal wear! And Clint should be here by then, so we can go together. It's at the Hilton, so we're going to reserve a room after, and Jillian is going to keep the boys. I can't wait! I'm really looking forward to a dressy date night with my sexy man. :)

Someone bring me a pizza and an US Weekly!

New relationship...

I met someone new today. I know, super fast, right? But it's not like that. Clint and I are holding on--we're just not talking to each other right now. He needs space. I hate it, but I get that. When he gets here, we'll work on things. Until then, I'm texting or emailing when necessary, and trying to lay off the rest of the time. It makes me mad, but I know that he needs me to let go right now. So I am. Or I'm trying. We'll see.

So anyway, this person I met? She's a Chief, the Chiefiest Chief on the site. She's pretty much awesome. I was referred to her by the Chaplain that I cried at yesterday. Seriously, I just cried at him. He talked to me for a little bit, but it wasn't especially helpful. I didn't feel that he could empathize with me in anyway. Bless his heart, he tried. And he prayed for us while I was sitting there, which I appreciated.The thing I MOST appreciate? Him sending my information to Chief Murray. She's seriously a delight. She's a strong Christian, but one who has a motley past like me. She alluded to the men in her previous life, and made a point to mention that it was before becoming a Christian. Finally, someone in the AF and in life that I can relate to! She wouldn't let me whine, but showed me the amazing things that I have going for me. AND, she's exactly the right person to make things happen with Clint's separation. I can't tell him, because we aren't talking, but there are at least three people now involved in getting the signatures that need to happen, who are now looking out for the situation. The Colonel has to sign it, but she's here, not in MD. The good thing? My commander is with her! Hopefully we'll be able to get him here sooner rather than later. The most amazing thing is God's hand. He's been involved. We're only here because I couldn't follow, I couldn't believe. I believe now, I'm following, and I'm learning. He's showing me the path, He's introducing me to the people that I need to meet--the ones who will help me on this journey. He gave me Peggee yesterday, when I was trying to figure out how to kill myself, but without it seeming like my fault, so that Clint still got the insurance money. He gave me the chaplain that I didn't want. The one who sent me to Chief. He gave me the Chief that I didn't feel like going to see, who made me feel strong, and made me feel loved.

PRAISE THE LORD! I pray that I do just that all of my days.

**Disclaimer: For those of you who will read this after my previous post, and judge me: Please, judge away! I'm a Christian, not a perfect person. Yes, I swear. I had beer last week. I don't get it all right, but I love God with my whole heart, and I'm working on a good relationship with Him.

Where the fuck is the chill?

I've perhaps never been so...unhappy? I'm experiencing a range of emotions, and I haven't settled on one in particular yet. Why the hell did he have to do this again? I've tried so hard to be the perfect wife, to fix things, to make it all better. Now I'm trying too hard. The fucked thing about that is that for the last 5.5 years, he's constantly bitched at me about not trying. Motherfucker. When I finally do realize he's right, and start to give a damn, it's too much. I just can't deal with this bullshit. I'm sad, because I really thought we were making progress. I want very much for us to be happy together, and enjoy the life that we can make. I don't want to throw away almost 6 years, and put our kids through the misery that's coming if we split. I'm MAD AS HELL, because fuck you, that's why. I didn't try. You wanted me to try, and to appreciate you. I fucking try, and it's too FUCKING MUCH!!! Make up your stupid fucking piece of shit mind. Maybe you're just too fucking stupid. I'm scared, because as tough as I know I can be, I don't want to be a single mom. I don't want to go through life alone, and I don't want to start over. I'm confident, because I know that I'll not only make it, I'll succeed. I know I will. BUT, I don't want to. I want my husband, I want us having drinks on the patio. I want his stupid stories that I've heard a thousand times, and somehow get 10 minutes longer everytime he tells them. I want to be happy. I want to make him happy. I want to go and do, and see and conquer. Together. I want to craft a life that we love and that we can be proud of. I don't love what we have right now, but I do love the possibilities! We have so much ahead of us, and I want to leap and grab it with both hands. It pisses me off to know that he's so willing to throw it away, or to think that he's too blind to see.
Mom says that when he gets here, it'll be different--that he'll see things differently. Jeff says he's lost his identity, and that it's tough for a man to go through that. Both of them say I'm supposed to keep on loving him. Where does the protection of MY heart come in? If I keep throwing myself into this, I'm going to end up broken into a gagillion pieces. If I DON'T throw myself into us whole-heartedly, there isn't a snowball's chance in hell of fixing things. Where do I turn? What do I do? I'm stuck. I can't do anything. I'm not even supposed to call him. He wants "space." How do I deal with that? Part of me wants to say, "Fine, you want space? Fuck off! Forever. There's your fucking space!!" The other part realizes that he really is a gift. He's special. He's like no one I've ever known before, and I love him, completely and wholly. If space is what he needs, then space is what I need to figure out how to give. Geniunely. Without making it a business contract. Lord, give me strength.

Chilly Feet

I think that it's funny that women can't even handle Avodart. Weird. It's not going to screw up my lack of prostrate if I touch it, right?

I'm sitting here watching football and debating healthcare issues with my co-workers right now. Will's taking a nap (hooray!) and Clint and Clay are in Michigan. My house is awfully quiet. I should really be up doing something, but I'm just not feeling it right now. I'm pretty much done with this week's homework, and I've made my lists for the week...Feeling good!