The stars at night

Today has been gray. Gloomier than I've seen in a bit. I'm in a bit of a melancholy state, partly because of the state I'm in. I traveled to MD yesterday for work. Yesterday, I was elated, alternated with dejected. Getting off the plane put me through the hallway I was in when I called Clint in August to tell him I was here. I couldn't wait to see him. I drove down the highway from the airport, and the rain reminded me of the day we flew back from Indiana at Christmas. Clay was only 4 months old, I was massive, prickly, and hot. I drove past the exit to route 1, the road we took home every night, to the Y on the weekends, to explore the neighborhoods on those hot summer nights. Sadness crept in. I soldiered through--I was going to meet my Heath! The rain kept pouring down, we went to my hotel. The check-in process was unbearably long. I wanted him right there in that lobby. Smoking while we wait, the hotel is one of those built in the 50s, but maintained like a great martini bar. I feel like I took giant leaps back in time, maybe to a happier place. Check-in finally accomplished, we almost made it in the door. Like scenes from the movies, where the door slams open, a picture falls off the wall, and you grab for each other because you just can't get enough. I poured my heart into every second, hoping that loving this time around wouldn't hurt so badly. At the end of the day, all you have is hope, right?
Lather, rinse, and repeat, the bottle said. Dinner later in this hotel restaurant, with a fabulous piano there. Cozy and comfortable, fun and so unlike everything in my past. So...real? I feel like I'm finally close to doing something the right way. As BFF calls it, I'm finally feeling respected. Not wanted or needed, like a toy or a mother, but as an equal, as a partner, treated like a woman.
His work hours came, and I went to bed alone, but not before analyzing the moves, the words, the feelings. My results? I still don't know. I'm looking for that pot of gold. Maybe this is the leprechaun that leads me there. Perhaps I'll find it on my own.
I woke to him returning, and through sleep, I knew I only wanted him near me, naked, holding me closer. I've never cuddled, I've never wanted to, but now I can't get enough. I want to say I don't know how I feel, but the truth is I do, and I'm scared of it. I'm terrified, actually. Examining my feelings is more than I can handle right now. I'll put them in a box until tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'll figure it out. Today? My lover calls.