Where the fuck is the chill?

I've perhaps never been so...unhappy? I'm experiencing a range of emotions, and I haven't settled on one in particular yet. Why the hell did he have to do this again? I've tried so hard to be the perfect wife, to fix things, to make it all better. Now I'm trying too hard. The fucked thing about that is that for the last 5.5 years, he's constantly bitched at me about not trying. Motherfucker. When I finally do realize he's right, and start to give a damn, it's too much. I just can't deal with this bullshit. I'm sad, because I really thought we were making progress. I want very much for us to be happy together, and enjoy the life that we can make. I don't want to throw away almost 6 years, and put our kids through the misery that's coming if we split. I'm MAD AS HELL, because fuck you, that's why. I didn't try. You wanted me to try, and to appreciate you. I fucking try, and it's too FUCKING MUCH!!! Make up your stupid fucking piece of shit mind. Maybe you're just too fucking stupid. I'm scared, because as tough as I know I can be, I don't want to be a single mom. I don't want to go through life alone, and I don't want to start over. I'm confident, because I know that I'll not only make it, I'll succeed. I know I will. BUT, I don't want to. I want my husband, I want us having drinks on the patio. I want his stupid stories that I've heard a thousand times, and somehow get 10 minutes longer everytime he tells them. I want to be happy. I want to make him happy. I want to go and do, and see and conquer. Together. I want to craft a life that we love and that we can be proud of. I don't love what we have right now, but I do love the possibilities! We have so much ahead of us, and I want to leap and grab it with both hands. It pisses me off to know that he's so willing to throw it away, or to think that he's too blind to see.
Mom says that when he gets here, it'll be different--that he'll see things differently. Jeff says he's lost his identity, and that it's tough for a man to go through that. Both of them say I'm supposed to keep on loving him. Where does the protection of MY heart come in? If I keep throwing myself into this, I'm going to end up broken into a gagillion pieces. If I DON'T throw myself into us whole-heartedly, there isn't a snowball's chance in hell of fixing things. Where do I turn? What do I do? I'm stuck. I can't do anything. I'm not even supposed to call him. He wants "space." How do I deal with that? Part of me wants to say, "Fine, you want space? Fuck off! Forever. There's your fucking space!!" The other part realizes that he really is a gift. He's special. He's like no one I've ever known before, and I love him, completely and wholly. If space is what he needs, then space is what I need to figure out how to give. Geniunely. Without making it a business contract. Lord, give me strength.