Not all who wander are lost...

And thus begins my wandering. I've always had a wanderlust, so I married a man who matched it. When I was in college, my roomie announced that I "live fast." I asked her to explain, and she did, but I never really understood it. I'm getting around to it now. I think she was right. I went to college early. Not because of any particular intelligence, or even any special determination, but because I didn't want to live at home anymore. I had a rough relationship with my father, and needed some freedom. I found it at 16, far too young to be where I was. I was a freshman in college, living in the dorms, with virtually unlimited possibilities. What did I do? What any traveler who has yet to hone their skill would do. I squandered countless opportunities. I like to say that I used those years to grow up, probably faster than my peers, because I had to. I couldn't be the child among the 20-somethings. I had to fit in, so I learned. Yes, I lived fast. Did I grow up? Maybe. Some. I definitely experienced things that the average 16 year old hasn't seen at that age. I spent 3 years in college, two of them abandoned by my father, and desperately craving the love of any man who was hard to please. Anyone who might be actually happy with me as I was should be quickly discarded, to be traded for a man who would never love me the way I needed. If I could just make one of them happy, maybe I'd be worth something.

Strangely, that never worked out. I dropped out of college because I was working three jobs, and basically just didn't give enough of a damn about school to pursue it the way it required. It didn't help that I had no idea where I was going. I wanted to do all of it, but didn't feel like I was qualified for any of it. I wasn't smart enough for pre-med, not angry enough for pre-law, not patient enough to teach, and no where near Chinese enough for engineering. I didn't fit anywhere...except the bar. I loved working at the bars, but realized that if I stayed, I'd never leave, and I'd regret it one day. I packed up and left for the AF. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I don't love it everyday, and it may not be forever, but it was what I needed when I picked it. Maybe Clint was the same. Maybe he was a stop along my journey. I needed him when he picked me (I did NOT pick him). Maybe I don't need him anymore. I'm learning that I'm special. I'm learning that I'm smart, educated, hopefully kind, and not the ugliest thing around. One day I'll believe the things I'm learning now. Until then, may the road rise up to meet me.