Growing Up

Yesterday was a dreadful fight. Or it would have been, if we fought. We disagree, and we have differing opinions, but we tend to voice our opinions, try to convince, and then just move on, solution or no. Sometimes that's really frustrating, as in the case of yesterday's "fight." Because we're so far apart, a good deal of the intimacy that we share comes from weeks and months of lead up via text. Thinking about him yesterday, I messaged him with some of the salacious things pervasive in my thoughts. In the last couple of weeks, though, he's been moodier than normal, and less accepting of the things I have to say. In his defense, I'm perhaps more sensitive because of the level my feelings have reached of late. He doesn't respond to what I'm saying in any way other than to say that he's not interested in that, because it makes him realize his loneliness. There's no telling when we'll be together next (it could be even as late as August), and that thought is sobering for him. Rather than talk about it, as I like to do with problems, he likes to think quietly about them until he solves them. I get that we handle things differently--that's fine. Where the problem lies for me is that him withdrawing makes me feel unloved and unwanted. I know this is silly; we talk all day every day. He calls first thing every morning, and last thing every night, he emails me when at work, because waiting until we can text again is "just too long to wait." 

Most days, most things are wonderful, but I'm looking for when we can have more. When  he can admit freely (and often, as  he's done it before, but infrequently, and usually with liquid courage) that he loves me, when we can come home to each other at night, and when we get to experiences the daily joys and frustrations together. His moodiness makes me fear that it's never coming, but his devotion makes me believe its there. 
 

I think my heart hurts. Maybe. Or I've had too much to drink, too many days in a row. Either way, I'm an idiot. This man, this Heath, is too complicated for me to understand. For now, I'll skip that, and leave it with this: “To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.” -Madonna

 I'm mostly ready to just get back to these sweet things.

The stars at night

Today has been gray. Gloomier than I've seen in a bit. I'm in a bit of a melancholy state, partly because of the state I'm in. I traveled to MD yesterday for work. Yesterday, I was elated, alternated with dejected. Getting off the plane put me through the hallway I was in when I called Clint in August to tell him I was here. I couldn't wait to see him. I drove down the highway from the airport, and the rain reminded me of the day we flew back from Indiana at Christmas. Clay was only 4 months old, I was massive, prickly, and hot. I drove past the exit to route 1, the road we took home every night, to the Y on the weekends, to explore the neighborhoods on those hot summer nights. Sadness crept in. I soldiered through--I was going to meet my Heath! The rain kept pouring down, we went to my hotel. The check-in process was unbearably long. I wanted him right there in that lobby. Smoking while we wait, the hotel is one of those built in the 50s, but maintained like a great martini bar. I feel like I took giant leaps back in time, maybe to a happier place. Check-in finally accomplished, we almost made it in the door. Like scenes from the movies, where the door slams open, a picture falls off the wall, and you grab for each other because you just can't get enough. I poured my heart into every second, hoping that loving this time around wouldn't hurt so badly. At the end of the day, all you have is hope, right?
Lather, rinse, and repeat, the bottle said. Dinner later in this hotel restaurant, with a fabulous piano there. Cozy and comfortable, fun and so unlike everything in my past. So...real? I feel like I'm finally close to doing something the right way. As BFF calls it, I'm finally feeling respected. Not wanted or needed, like a toy or a mother, but as an equal, as a partner, treated like a woman.
His work hours came, and I went to bed alone, but not before analyzing the moves, the words, the feelings. My results? I still don't know. I'm looking for that pot of gold. Maybe this is the leprechaun that leads me there. Perhaps I'll find it on my own.
I woke to him returning, and through sleep, I knew I only wanted him near me, naked, holding me closer. I've never cuddled, I've never wanted to, but now I can't get enough. I want to say I don't know how I feel, but the truth is I do, and I'm scared of it. I'm terrified, actually. Examining my feelings is more than I can handle right now. I'll put them in a box until tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'll figure it out. Today? My lover calls.

Just, wow.

Ok, it's time to update. I've been behind. I've reconsidered my Palace Chase application. This has been primarily based on the fact that Clint has conceded his fight for full custody. Under our current agreement, which will hopefully be finalized next week, the kids will live with me during the school year, and with him in the summer. As such, I don't need to move immediately back to Maryland, but it would be nice.

Heath lives in MD, and I'd love to be near him regularly, but I can't move there right now. His response? He's trying to move here. He's actually pretty incredible. I had to take a trip up there in March for a week, and we spent a lot of it (ok, most of it) together. I really, really like him. I feel a bit foolish, because I just ended a long term relationship, though to be fair, I've been learning more and more that it was actually over for a long time.

This is going to sound absolutely absurd, but I'm certain that if we live near each other (and maybe if we don't), and I keep dating him, he's absolutely going to ask me to marry him. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. Ok, honestly, I'm elated. I adore him, and he wants me to actually be me. When he gets around to asking, I'm certain as to how I'll answer. (OMG, wow, I just admitted that).

At any rate, life is good. I'm a month from college graduation, I've got two beautiful boys that I love, and who love me as sweetly as possible, I'm running and healthy, and I have a wonderful man in my life. The road is endless... :)

Progress

Today, I have more good days than bad days. We've officially filed for divorce, and we've found we agree on most things except with whom the children should be. Hopefully we'll be able to settle something when he comes down next weekend. It promises to be an event--he's flying in on our sixth anniversary, which is a bit icky to me. But the 19th is Will's birthday, so he'll be here for that, which I think is a positive thing. We'll see how it goes. Trying for friendly.

In other news, I've applied to go AF reserves. It would let me move back to MD and have a contractor job, making it easier for Clint and I to share time with the boys, me to have a better support system, and letting me work to figure out how to get my DPT. (That's doctorate in physical therapy, for those of you who don't habla. :)) I'm excited about changes in my life. If I don't get approved for reserves, and have to stay active duty, then I'll be in TX a while longer. That's ok too, but I'd like to get back to some stability.

Kind of strangely, I've spent the last month reconnecting with someone I met years ago (we'll call him Heath). I'm grateful for the chance to get to know Heath, and excited about the friendship that we're developing. I've also had a really good time learning who my first ever best friend has become. After I left for the military and got married and all, we spoke only sporadically. She's been a HUGE support for me in this divorce, and it turns out that while we were taking different paths, we ended up being so similar still, and we're still best friends after all these years!

More to come...

I'd call it a building year.

I'm currently pursuing something new. I'm not sure if it'll work out, or if I'll be accepted to the program that lets me get there, but I'm going to give it a shot. If it works, life could get much easier and better. I don't want to be in Texas long term. I like a lot of the people I've met here, but I don't belong here for much longer. God brought me to Texas to bring me back to Him. He brought me here for the family that I needed in my church when my world crumbled around me.
It's crumbled, it's hard, and it's not over. BUT, it's time for me to rebuild. I like me, I love my boys. There's no reason for us to be unhappy. We can build our happiness, and I'm out looking for the ways to make it.

Just you wait, we've got this!

Changes...

So, here we are, 2012. If you'd asked me two months ago, I'd have sworn there was no way I'd start this year alone, but here I am. It's still a shock, and I'm having a hard time processing the idea that he's never coming back. Every now and then, it makes me wonder, because if he can hate me so much now, how did he ever really love me to begin?

I guess I'll figure all that out. One day. In the meantime, I'm doing ok. I'm starting my final semester of college, I've applied for graduation, I'm looking for new places for the boys and I to live, and I'm teaching classes at the Y regularly. The other awesome part is that there is the opportunity to teach other classes soon, and perhaps get on at some other gyms. I'm excited to put my life back together, at least as much as I can, and to take steps forward. It's not what I imagined for me, or my children, and it's still not what I wanted, but I'll get there.

One day at a time...right guys?