Not all who wander are lost...

And thus begins my wandering. I've always had a wanderlust, so I married a man who matched it. When I was in college, my roomie announced that I "live fast." I asked her to explain, and she did, but I never really understood it. I'm getting around to it now. I think she was right. I went to college early. Not because of any particular intelligence, or even any special determination, but because I didn't want to live at home anymore. I had a rough relationship with my father, and needed some freedom. I found it at 16, far too young to be where I was. I was a freshman in college, living in the dorms, with virtually unlimited possibilities. What did I do? What any traveler who has yet to hone their skill would do. I squandered countless opportunities. I like to say that I used those years to grow up, probably faster than my peers, because I had to. I couldn't be the child among the 20-somethings. I had to fit in, so I learned. Yes, I lived fast. Did I grow up? Maybe. Some. I definitely experienced things that the average 16 year old hasn't seen at that age. I spent 3 years in college, two of them abandoned by my father, and desperately craving the love of any man who was hard to please. Anyone who might be actually happy with me as I was should be quickly discarded, to be traded for a man who would never love me the way I needed. If I could just make one of them happy, maybe I'd be worth something.

Strangely, that never worked out. I dropped out of college because I was working three jobs, and basically just didn't give enough of a damn about school to pursue it the way it required. It didn't help that I had no idea where I was going. I wanted to do all of it, but didn't feel like I was qualified for any of it. I wasn't smart enough for pre-med, not angry enough for pre-law, not patient enough to teach, and no where near Chinese enough for engineering. I didn't fit anywhere...except the bar. I loved working at the bars, but realized that if I stayed, I'd never leave, and I'd regret it one day. I packed up and left for the AF. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I don't love it everyday, and it may not be forever, but it was what I needed when I picked it. Maybe Clint was the same. Maybe he was a stop along my journey. I needed him when he picked me (I did NOT pick him). Maybe I don't need him anymore. I'm learning that I'm special. I'm learning that I'm smart, educated, hopefully kind, and not the ugliest thing around. One day I'll believe the things I'm learning now. Until then, may the road rise up to meet me.

What a Christmas

So, my husband? He left me. And the kids. Just like that. Walked out two weeks ago, like a complete fuck. Went back to Maryland. I'm still so mad that I can barely compose complete sentences. What's sad about it? He left me for another woman. She's 30, and ugly, and a lot pathetic. One of the least independent women I've ever seen, which is why her first husband walked out on her, too. Best part? She's military, too. For those of you who are unaware, adultery is ILLEGAL in the military, so she's got a no contact order for my husband. Yeah, my husband who moved back to Maryland for her can't see her, talk to her, email her, whatever. Do you think they're following that? I don't. Sadly, I can't prove it right now. I'll figure out a way though. She could lose her job, get jail time, etc for breaking the no contact order. And for those of you who think that I should be equally as mad at him? I am, no question, but he's the father of my children, and the love of my life, so I'm a little more willing to forgive him than her. Plus, she begged him, FUCKING BEGGED him, to leave his children for Christmas, because she wanted to be with him for the holiday. What kind of a selfish bitch does that? Two little boys, alone at Christmas, because some ugly slut needed my husband?

I don't know what happens next. He wants a divorce. I don't. And I don't want to make it easy for him--after all, does he deserve it? I do know that I have my boys, and I will keep my boys, because I'm the one who will take care of them. I do know that we had a good Christmas, and that I have good friends. I do know that I'll get my degree next semester, and still have my job, and that I'll be just fine. I just need to remember those things. I've got this, right?