Exciting news! Clay has perfect vision! I know, that may not be as exciting to those of you without children, and even those of you with kids already, you probably don't think that's as awesome as I do. BUT, the fact is, Clint and I are mostly blind. Turns out, that mess is hereditary! If I wasn't there when Clay was born, and he wasn't identical to Clint, I'd say he wasn't ours.
In other news, Will didn't feel great today, and I didn't either. We've been awake a lot of the last two nights, either stressing PT tests or dealing with coughing and mucous. (Oh the joys of mommy-dom)! So we stayed home today, so Will could sleep, and I could prevent myself from inevitably strangling a co-worker.
We picked up Clay after school and ate Chik-fil-a. (Don't judge me--I'm doing the best I can. Kids can eat fast food every now and then). Now I'm staring at the kids, because we haven't been home from all our activities this early in ages. I don't even know what to do with them. I know I have homework to do, but I don't wanna. I know they've got homework to do, but again, I don't wanna. Blerg.
The awesome thing is that our squadron holiday party is coming up, and it's formal wear! And Clint should be here by then, so we can go together. It's at the Hilton, so we're going to reserve a room after, and Jillian is going to keep the boys. I can't wait! I'm really looking forward to a dressy date night with my sexy man. :)
Someone bring me a pizza and an US Weekly!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
New relationship...
I met someone new today. I know, super fast, right? But it's not like that. Clint and I are holding on--we're just not talking to each other right now. He needs space. I hate it, but I get that. When he gets here, we'll work on things. Until then, I'm texting or emailing when necessary, and trying to lay off the rest of the time. It makes me mad, but I know that he needs me to let go right now. So I am. Or I'm trying. We'll see.
So anyway, this person I met? She's a Chief, the Chiefiest Chief on the site. She's pretty much awesome. I was referred to her by the Chaplain that I cried at yesterday. Seriously, I just cried at him. He talked to me for a little bit, but it wasn't especially helpful. I didn't feel that he could empathize with me in anyway. Bless his heart, he tried. And he prayed for us while I was sitting there, which I appreciated.The thing I MOST appreciate? Him sending my information to Chief Murray. She's seriously a delight. She's a strong Christian, but one who has a motley past like me. She alluded to the men in her previous life, and made a point to mention that it was before becoming a Christian. Finally, someone in the AF and in life that I can relate to! She wouldn't let me whine, but showed me the amazing things that I have going for me. AND, she's exactly the right person to make things happen with Clint's separation. I can't tell him, because we aren't talking, but there are at least three people now involved in getting the signatures that need to happen, who are now looking out for the situation. The Colonel has to sign it, but she's here, not in MD. The good thing? My commander is with her! Hopefully we'll be able to get him here sooner rather than later. The most amazing thing is God's hand. He's been involved. We're only here because I couldn't follow, I couldn't believe. I believe now, I'm following, and I'm learning. He's showing me the path, He's introducing me to the people that I need to meet--the ones who will help me on this journey. He gave me Peggee yesterday, when I was trying to figure out how to kill myself, but without it seeming like my fault, so that Clint still got the insurance money. He gave me the chaplain that I didn't want. The one who sent me to Chief. He gave me the Chief that I didn't feel like going to see, who made me feel strong, and made me feel loved.
PRAISE THE LORD! I pray that I do just that all of my days.
**Disclaimer: For those of you who will read this after my previous post, and judge me: Please, judge away! I'm a Christian, not a perfect person. Yes, I swear. I had beer last week. I don't get it all right, but I love God with my whole heart, and I'm working on a good relationship with Him.
So anyway, this person I met? She's a Chief, the Chiefiest Chief on the site. She's pretty much awesome. I was referred to her by the Chaplain that I cried at yesterday. Seriously, I just cried at him. He talked to me for a little bit, but it wasn't especially helpful. I didn't feel that he could empathize with me in anyway. Bless his heart, he tried. And he prayed for us while I was sitting there, which I appreciated.The thing I MOST appreciate? Him sending my information to Chief Murray. She's seriously a delight. She's a strong Christian, but one who has a motley past like me. She alluded to the men in her previous life, and made a point to mention that it was before becoming a Christian. Finally, someone in the AF and in life that I can relate to! She wouldn't let me whine, but showed me the amazing things that I have going for me. AND, she's exactly the right person to make things happen with Clint's separation. I can't tell him, because we aren't talking, but there are at least three people now involved in getting the signatures that need to happen, who are now looking out for the situation. The Colonel has to sign it, but she's here, not in MD. The good thing? My commander is with her! Hopefully we'll be able to get him here sooner rather than later. The most amazing thing is God's hand. He's been involved. We're only here because I couldn't follow, I couldn't believe. I believe now, I'm following, and I'm learning. He's showing me the path, He's introducing me to the people that I need to meet--the ones who will help me on this journey. He gave me Peggee yesterday, when I was trying to figure out how to kill myself, but without it seeming like my fault, so that Clint still got the insurance money. He gave me the chaplain that I didn't want. The one who sent me to Chief. He gave me the Chief that I didn't feel like going to see, who made me feel strong, and made me feel loved.
PRAISE THE LORD! I pray that I do just that all of my days.
**Disclaimer: For those of you who will read this after my previous post, and judge me: Please, judge away! I'm a Christian, not a perfect person. Yes, I swear. I had beer last week. I don't get it all right, but I love God with my whole heart, and I'm working on a good relationship with Him.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Where the fuck is the chill?
I've perhaps never been so...unhappy? I'm experiencing a range of emotions, and I haven't settled on one in particular yet. Why the hell did he have to do this again? I've tried so hard to be the perfect wife, to fix things, to make it all better. Now I'm trying too hard. The fucked thing about that is that for the last 5.5 years, he's constantly bitched at me about not trying. Motherfucker. When I finally do realize he's right, and start to give a damn, it's too much. I just can't deal with this bullshit. I'm sad, because I really thought we were making progress. I want very much for us to be happy together, and enjoy the life that we can make. I don't want to throw away almost 6 years, and put our kids through the misery that's coming if we split. I'm MAD AS HELL, because fuck you, that's why. I didn't try. You wanted me to try, and to appreciate you. I fucking try, and it's too FUCKING MUCH!!! Make up your stupid fucking piece of shit mind. Maybe you're just too fucking stupid. I'm scared, because as tough as I know I can be, I don't want to be a single mom. I don't want to go through life alone, and I don't want to start over. I'm confident, because I know that I'll not only make it, I'll succeed. I know I will. BUT, I don't want to. I want my husband, I want us having drinks on the patio. I want his stupid stories that I've heard a thousand times, and somehow get 10 minutes longer everytime he tells them. I want to be happy. I want to make him happy. I want to go and do, and see and conquer. Together. I want to craft a life that we love and that we can be proud of. I don't love what we have right now, but I do love the possibilities! We have so much ahead of us, and I want to leap and grab it with both hands. It pisses me off to know that he's so willing to throw it away, or to think that he's too blind to see.
Mom says that when he gets here, it'll be different--that he'll see things differently. Jeff says he's lost his identity, and that it's tough for a man to go through that. Both of them say I'm supposed to keep on loving him. Where does the protection of MY heart come in? If I keep throwing myself into this, I'm going to end up broken into a gagillion pieces. If I DON'T throw myself into us whole-heartedly, there isn't a snowball's chance in hell of fixing things. Where do I turn? What do I do? I'm stuck. I can't do anything. I'm not even supposed to call him. He wants "space." How do I deal with that? Part of me wants to say, "Fine, you want space? Fuck off! Forever. There's your fucking space!!" The other part realizes that he really is a gift. He's special. He's like no one I've ever known before, and I love him, completely and wholly. If space is what he needs, then space is what I need to figure out how to give. Geniunely. Without making it a business contract. Lord, give me strength.
Mom says that when he gets here, it'll be different--that he'll see things differently. Jeff says he's lost his identity, and that it's tough for a man to go through that. Both of them say I'm supposed to keep on loving him. Where does the protection of MY heart come in? If I keep throwing myself into this, I'm going to end up broken into a gagillion pieces. If I DON'T throw myself into us whole-heartedly, there isn't a snowball's chance in hell of fixing things. Where do I turn? What do I do? I'm stuck. I can't do anything. I'm not even supposed to call him. He wants "space." How do I deal with that? Part of me wants to say, "Fine, you want space? Fuck off! Forever. There's your fucking space!!" The other part realizes that he really is a gift. He's special. He's like no one I've ever known before, and I love him, completely and wholly. If space is what he needs, then space is what I need to figure out how to give. Geniunely. Without making it a business contract. Lord, give me strength.
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