I think my heart hurts. Maybe. Or I've had too much to drink, too many days in a row. Either way, I'm an idiot. This man, this Heath, is too complicated for me to understand. For now, I'll skip that, and leave it with this: “To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don't want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.” -Madonna

 I'm mostly ready to just get back to these sweet things.

The stars at night

Today has been gray. Gloomier than I've seen in a bit. I'm in a bit of a melancholy state, partly because of the state I'm in. I traveled to MD yesterday for work. Yesterday, I was elated, alternated with dejected. Getting off the plane put me through the hallway I was in when I called Clint in August to tell him I was here. I couldn't wait to see him. I drove down the highway from the airport, and the rain reminded me of the day we flew back from Indiana at Christmas. Clay was only 4 months old, I was massive, prickly, and hot. I drove past the exit to route 1, the road we took home every night, to the Y on the weekends, to explore the neighborhoods on those hot summer nights. Sadness crept in. I soldiered through--I was going to meet my Heath! The rain kept pouring down, we went to my hotel. The check-in process was unbearably long. I wanted him right there in that lobby. Smoking while we wait, the hotel is one of those built in the 50s, but maintained like a great martini bar. I feel like I took giant leaps back in time, maybe to a happier place. Check-in finally accomplished, we almost made it in the door. Like scenes from the movies, where the door slams open, a picture falls off the wall, and you grab for each other because you just can't get enough. I poured my heart into every second, hoping that loving this time around wouldn't hurt so badly. At the end of the day, all you have is hope, right?
Lather, rinse, and repeat, the bottle said. Dinner later in this hotel restaurant, with a fabulous piano there. Cozy and comfortable, fun and so unlike everything in my past. So...real? I feel like I'm finally close to doing something the right way. As BFF calls it, I'm finally feeling respected. Not wanted or needed, like a toy or a mother, but as an equal, as a partner, treated like a woman.
His work hours came, and I went to bed alone, but not before analyzing the moves, the words, the feelings. My results? I still don't know. I'm looking for that pot of gold. Maybe this is the leprechaun that leads me there. Perhaps I'll find it on my own.
I woke to him returning, and through sleep, I knew I only wanted him near me, naked, holding me closer. I've never cuddled, I've never wanted to, but now I can't get enough. I want to say I don't know how I feel, but the truth is I do, and I'm scared of it. I'm terrified, actually. Examining my feelings is more than I can handle right now. I'll put them in a box until tomorrow. Tomorrow, I'll figure it out. Today? My lover calls.

Just, wow.

Ok, it's time to update. I've been behind. I've reconsidered my Palace Chase application. This has been primarily based on the fact that Clint has conceded his fight for full custody. Under our current agreement, which will hopefully be finalized next week, the kids will live with me during the school year, and with him in the summer. As such, I don't need to move immediately back to Maryland, but it would be nice.

Heath lives in MD, and I'd love to be near him regularly, but I can't move there right now. His response? He's trying to move here. He's actually pretty incredible. I had to take a trip up there in March for a week, and we spent a lot of it (ok, most of it) together. I really, really like him. I feel a bit foolish, because I just ended a long term relationship, though to be fair, I've been learning more and more that it was actually over for a long time.

This is going to sound absolutely absurd, but I'm certain that if we live near each other (and maybe if we don't), and I keep dating him, he's absolutely going to ask me to marry him. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. Ok, honestly, I'm elated. I adore him, and he wants me to actually be me. When he gets around to asking, I'm certain as to how I'll answer. (OMG, wow, I just admitted that).

At any rate, life is good. I'm a month from college graduation, I've got two beautiful boys that I love, and who love me as sweetly as possible, I'm running and healthy, and I have a wonderful man in my life. The road is endless... :)